being a parent
Becoming a parent does not come with an instruction manual for all the things you will face. It is one of the most important and difficult things you can do. It is also one of the most rewarding. To raise a child is a huge responsibility which is usually taken for granted and for which no training is required.
Parents grow into their role, and should not expect to be perfect and have all the answers all the time. Parenting styles differ, and as long as children’s well-being is ensured, the style that works best for parents is likely to make them feel more confident in their role. Most parents learn as they go, influenced by the way they were brought up, or by what they have read or watched others do.
We want our children to become healthy, happy, well-adjusted, successful, honest, caring, responsible adults who will be respectful of others’ feelings and property, be able to get along with others and to cope with difficulties! It is a lot to ask.
Your children and your community rely on you to do this well.
Being a parent
Your feelingsOne of the most important things in parenting is your own attitude to it. Do you like it, do you feel scared about it or are you really enjoying it?
As a parent you will feel a range of emotions which are all normal and yet can feel like a roller coaster ride. You will feel love, joy and pride. You may also feel more frightening emotions which can be very strong, such as anger, panic, despair and hatred. Often parents feel that they are not appreciated by their children or valued by others.
Such emotions can leave you feeling guilty or thinking you are not a good parent. Most parents at some time feel tired and upset and question what it is all about. It is important to remember you’re not expected to be perfect. All parents feel that they have made mistakes at some stage.
Information comes from everywhere
Working parentsWork is now such a big part of our lives, that many parents feel they are in a constant juggling act, trying to balance work and family life - and doing neither as well as they’d like.
What you can doIt helps if you can plan and organise in advance how to manage time and look after yourself and your children. Where two parents are involved they need to talk about how responsibilities will be shared.
Some things to think about:
It is important to look at ways to balance the load within the family while taking into account the workplace load. Often one parent can feel it’s unfair and lop-sided.
If you need alternative care for your children while you work, take time to choose care where your children have experiences that they enjoy. If you feel your children’s needs are being met you are less likely to feel anxious and guilty.
Children have an ongoing need for ‘connection’ with parents. There is often a danger that children find they have to compete for your time and attention. Children equate ‘love’ with the ‘time and connection’ with parents – not just being told they are loved or being given material things. If we are serious about our parenting, then we need to give as much time as we can. The more positive experiences parents share with children, the better the relationship is likely to be.
Things that might make parenting easier
Find out what you don’t know
Accept your feelingsUnderstand that mixed feelings are normal. At times of stress or change you can be swamped with a range of emotions. Sometimes you may feel fed-up or guilty. At these times it is important to reach out - speak to your partner, friends, or family members or to someone not caught up in the emotion.
Trust yourselfEveryone has their own ideas about parenting and sometimes it’s easy to become confused or to feel not good enough. Listen to other people’s ideas as this is how we all learn. Do what feels right for you and your children. Trust your own judgement.
Value yourselfYou are doing an important job. Be proud of the effort you have put in through the day, no matter how small the tasks. When talking to friends about parenting, don’t moan and groan, because this won’t change things - try new approaches. Never forget how important parenting is.
Look after yourselfRemember you are a person as well as a parent. Be careful not to expect too much of yourself and of others. Enjoy your own special talents. Praise yourself for simple things. Don’t dwell on mistakes as they are for learning from, not for making you feel bad. Try to find things to look forward to.
Reward yourselfDo at least one thing a day that makes you feel good. Ask someone to help so you can have ‘time out’ to do whatever you feel like doing even if it’s 30 minutes - have a bubble bath, read a magazine, kick a football, go for a walk, talk to a friend.
Talk to yourselfThe way you talk to yourself matters. If you say to yourself ‘My child is trying to get at me’ or ‘Why should I put up with this?’ you will react very differently than if you say ‘What’s happening to my child to make him behave like this?’ Often you can change a situation just by changing the way you think about it.
Work out your own valuesClear values and beliefs are very important in forming the basis of a good foundation to raise children. Try to reach some common agreement with your partner if you have a difference of opinion. A shared and clear approach to parenting is less confusing for your child. If you and your partner differ, try not to put each other down.
Get supportParenting is so hard to do without help from others. If you feel alone and can’t find support within your family, find someone to talk to about your concerns. Don’t be afraid to ask for help - it is not a sign of failure - it is the smart thing to do. You will often find that others feel the same as you.
Sorting and fixingBeing a parent is hard enough when things are going well, but so much more difficult when things are going wrong in other areas of your life. If you have violence in your home, money problems, ill health, arguments with neighbours or hassles at work, try to sort out the problem. Avoiding doing something about it will only make things feel worse for you. This may mean that, for the first time in your life, you need to seek advice from a professional if you have no success in sorting it out within your family.
Take care of your relationshipOne of the best things you can do for your children is to look after your own needs for support and love. Your closest relationship will probably be with your husband or wife or partner, but it may be with a special friend. Make regular time for your adult relationship where you can be alone together, do things you enjoy together, talk about your day, share ideas and feelings and just relax. These times are really important to clear up any misunderstandings and one of the very best gifts that you can give to your children. Children learn about relationships by what they see happening with the people around them.
Managing angerThere are times in all parents’ lives when they feel very angry. Most of the time parents handle it well, but sometimes the anger can be in danger of getting out of control. Anger is always mixed with another feeling such as guilt, frustration, sadness, feeling unwanted or feeling used. Try to do something about whatever is causing the underlying feeling. Work out when you are most likely to lose your cool and plan to do something different at those times, e.g. when you first get home from work.
Get to know your own body signs when anger is building up and act before you lose your temper. Get some space, go outside, go for a walk or a run. If you have very young children and no one to mind them, take them with you.
You may not be able to manage your anger and may need help from a professional who is skilled in this area. Some parents are unaware of, or deny the impact their anger has on their family.
Note: If you have lost control and hurt your child or have been violent to others in your home it’s important to get help.
Article provided courtesy of Parenting SA